Went to see The Strangers last night at midnight, which ensured that I’d have at least one vivid nightmare (not a problem by me, though). The movie was refreshingly scary: a rewind homage (if intentional) to classic 70s horror movies–simple(r) plots, stripped down, slow-building, and more humanistic scare. In my opinion, all the elements for a perfect horror movie. But that’s not my point today.
Imagine a world where movie theatres had “planted” audience members, stealth phonies who weren’t there only to watch the movie, but also to stalk between dark aisles at all those hold-your-breath moments. Picture, if you will, slouching down so far in your seat that you’re almost a puddle of yourself, hoodiestrings pulled taut around your face so as to expose only a breathe-hole and perhaps room for one eye to witness the inevitable canonball lunge onscreen, and just as your body is tensing to the point of cementing (a remarkable defense mechanism!) and your mouth is forming its shape to scream at the horror in front of you…. you suddenly feel two hands thrust down on your shoulders, sending you into a swirling, three dimensional world of panic and terror.
Ok now haters, I agree that a movie should be able to scare on its own, which is why it’s likely best suited for old classics like Nightmare on Elm Street or Halloween when they’re played on the big screen every October. As much as I hate to admit it, Freddy Krueger has become laughable, which is sad because he used to scare me to the point of immobility. Besides, there are thousands of drama kids who flock to University Mall EVERY Saturday to get their weekly dose of carnal sin and improvised shout-sing-alongs. Of course they adore the Rocky Horror Picture Show, but after they’ve seen it hundreds of times, they’ve just got to bring back some of the magic. Kind of like that Foreigner song, “Feels Like the First Time.”
I wonder if this exists somewhere. If not, what a depressing world. If so, I want to find this place. Maybe I’ll open an interactive movie theatre and play only horror movies, 80s flicks, and Quentin Tarantino nights. And Wes Anderson screenings. And every movie that’s every been in 3-D. And Paul Newman movies. And grindhouse specials. And the best of Disney. And serve food that wouldn’t make patrons feel bad about themselves when they walked out of the theater? Come on, all my friends–you all love movies. Which one of you is looking for a new career path?
